Ohmigosh! I was randomly clearing out some old email folders today, I don’t even know why, but my head is now spinning from a combination of nostalgia and heartache and laughing at silly mistakes (as in people) I’ve made and holy shit you guys?!?! I used to own and operate a cafe all on my lonesome! How did that even happen? It feels like a lifetime ago! I cannot imagine trying to undertake such a task as that now. Whew!
I found poems and song lyrics I’d written and was even impressed with some of it. I came across exchanges with cherished friends and some who have chosen to think the worst of me, too. Pictures of yesterdays and yesterdays gone by and whoa life is fucking nuts! I can’t say that I have any regrets, though I do miss having the ability to write at my former level of quality and care.
I came across the first several conversations my bf and I had on OkCupid that I’d saved! Adorkable! Then I found the notes I used to write to myself after our dates. Ohmigosh! Ridiculous! I can’t believe how the time has flown by!
It is incredible to me now how I can look back at specific instances with absolute clarity as to what went right or wrong. I know they say that hindsight is 20/20, but this is almost spooky! It is so perplexing to me (now) that we can have people in our lives whom we love with all our hearts, friends and lovers and family and whatnot, and spend so much time trying not to annoy or hurt or piss them off, that we end up never living the lives we always wanted to or thought we’d have. We end up side stepping our paths and get to a point where you finally look around you like “WTF! This isn’t what I want at all!” And all because we’re too afraid to be vulnerable with one another, let alone just with ourselves. It’s not worth it, I can tell you that for a fucking fact! We have to tell each other what we want. We must stop assuming what is best for others or what their wishes might be. ASK! We’ve stopped communicating in real and open ways, I think.
Not that I’m saying all of this from the peak of perfection, hardly! But shit if I can’t look at a past version of myself and want to shake her and say, “Fucking say something!!!” And it’s a truly bizarre feeling to know and see these past versions or iterations of oneself. To know the thoughts I had in my head then and how differently I would handle the exact same situation now. *ShakesHead* Life! That shit is nuts!
I can honestly look back and see just how truly lucky and blessed I have been, and still am, by the people who have come into my life, for whatever reason or cause. I know that mine is not a friendship that can be taken so lightly, that I’m an acquired taste. I can push people away and hide myself away from those I care the most for. I see in this digital archival dig a clear line of evolution (one might call maturity *scoff*). Not just in photos, but in writing style mostly, how I lacked the confidence to express myself or to even use certain words. It seems so silly now! I held myself back from so much, yet there’s no doubt in my mind that had anyone pointed that out at the time that I would have protested and stamped my feet and insisted the notion an insult! Ha-ha!
As for current me, version 5.2? I’m good. I’m happy, mostly. I love my job and the people I work with. Been having troubles with my sleep, but I’m getting back on track, little by little (I must have slept strangely last night, I have a horrible crick in my neck!). My poor puggo has been having tummy troubles that are starting to worry me. I swear, we get one thing taken care of and something else must go wrong. Poor little guy! He’s a happy little baby, though.
I’ve been reading on my train ride to and from work everyday, which has been lovely! I love my kindle! I go through books so quickly on it! I just finished Uncle Tom’s Cabin and started Sense and Sensibility yesterday. So good! 12 years a Slave was excellent (and only fifty-six cents on Amazon)! Haven’t had much time or energy for much else lately, to be honest. I come home pretty damned tired and if I can cook dinner for myself, well, that’s a victory!
This Saturday is Cupcakes & Muffintops! I wouldn’t miss it! It’s the fat event of the season! A true bay area tradition for me! And really, looking back on the last ten or so years has only proved how special and important fat community is for me. I’ve made so many friends and have been able to connect and be inspired by others, it’s a beautiful thing!
I never could have imagined the life I have now, but looking back it’s a funny thing to see where life has lead me. Looking forward to so much more to come!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL!
<3
S
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